The Perfect One
Would you rather listen to this story? Cryaotic did a great reading.
Janey was immature, so I left her.
Jessica disappeared on me after being miserable for a year.
And just last month, Rachael tried to kill me.
After I dumped Rachael, I picked up Kelly. She didn’t work out either so I dumped her too.
After that break up, I thought long and hard about what needed to happen next. I needed to re-evaluate what I wanted and what needed to happen. I needed to find someone, or something, that would make me happy.
Last Saturday night, I went out. I wasn’t really looking for love, but I found it.
So here we are again, but this time I think I got it right. I think I found my happy ending, my slice of perfection.
My new girlfriend’s name is Marissa, and she’s perfect.
People always act like it’s so hard to get a girlfriend.
Guys, just look around. Seriously. There’s a ton of potential everywhere. Just look at me. Finding a girlfriend is simple.
I scored the perfect one this time. My ex, Kelly, was such a mess. She couldn’t go a day without falling apart over the tiniest thing.
Do you know how annoying that is? To come home and find your girlfriend in pieces for absolutely nothing?
It’s miserable, and I dumped her because she couldn’t keep her shit together.
Definitely not the type of girl you want to put a ring on.
My new girlfriend though… she completes me.
Yeah, I know. It’s corny, and it’s really too soon to be saying that. I’m all too aware. Trust me. Marissa completes me though.
You know those waify girls in the magazines and runways that real women always bitch about?
That’s Marissa to a T. Real women may have curves, but I’m not attracted to that. I actually like seeing my girlfriend’s hipbones. For me, hipbones are sexy.
Also, I could care less about huge breasts. Marissa’s are tiny, almost not even there. Boobs just get in the way.
And Marissa’s smile? Wow. Her smile is radiant and constant. It fills me with the hope that things are getting better.
Did I mention the sex?
Having sex with her is amazing. Because she’s so thin, she never gets her period. I’m balls deep 24/7 and she’s always willing to give me a blowjob. It’s awesome.
The only bad thing is the cold feet. I guess that’s not really all that bad though. Most women have cold feet.
I’m feel like I’m finally on the cusp of true happiness. Janey was a mistake, and Rachael was a bad decision. I like to think that I’m moving forward with my life. Marissa and I are in it for the long haul. I finally have hope and everything I ever dreamed of. Well, almost everything.
Last night, Marissa and I sat down and had a long talk. I think we’re ready for kids.
I know what you’re gonna say. You think you’re ready for kids after one week?
The answer is most assuredly yes, and I’m going to get right on that once I find my shovel.
It’s all that’s keeping me from my happy ending. I think the last place I used it was at the cemetery.
Last Saturday night, if I’m not mistaken.